First Appeared at The Music Box, January 2000, Volume 7, #1
Written by Michael Karpinski
Okay, people. Books and folders on the floor. Eyes on your own papers. Time for a pop quiz.
1) Holland is best known for:
A) Its extensive network of dikes and dams
D) Liberal drug and porn laws
E) The musical group the Scars
2) The title of the Scars' debut album is the lunarly allusive:
A) Dark Side of the Moon
B) Fly Me to the Moon
C) Amazon Women on the Moon
D) Keith Moon
E) Rude Moon
3) The Scars' lead singer and lyricist is the economically denominated:
D) Engelbert Humperdinck
4) When Arthur sings he sounds eerily akin to:
A) Sonny & Cher
B) Seals & Crofts
C) Salt 'N' Pepa
D) Siegfried & Roy
E) Neil Young & Roger Waters mainlining lithium
5) The three words that best describe Arthur's lyrics are:
A) Conversational; confessional; confrontational
B) Sacrilegious; stimulating; salacious
C) Raw; risqué; revolutionary
D) Oblique; original; offensive
E) Repetitive; repetitive; repetitive
6) The most appropriate beverage for communing with the Scars' Rude Moon would be:
A) Coffee & cream
B) Whiskey & water
C) Rum & Coke
D) Vodka & tonic
E) Absinthe & arsenic
7) The most appropriate listening environment for communing with the Scars' Rude Moon would be:
A) In the park on an autumn afternoon
B) By the fireplace on a frigid winter midnight
C) In the car on the first day of spring
D) On the beach under a blistering summer sun
E) In a deep, black hole — after The Bomb drops
8) A random sample of Arthur's lyrics would include:
A) "Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-I-ee-I-oh/And on his farm he had some ducks, ee-I-ee-I-oh/With a ‘quack quack' here and a ‘quack quack' there/Here a ‘quack', there a ‘quack', everywhere a ‘quack quack'/Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-I-ee-I-oh"
B) "Yummy yummy yummy/I got love in my tummy/And I feel like lovin' you/Love you such a sweet thing/Good enough to eat thing/And that's just what I'm gonna do"
C) The commonly, miscontrued take on Springsteen, "Wrapped up like a douche/Another owner in the night"
D) "Do, a deer, a female deer/Re, a drop of golden sun/Mi, a name I call myself/Fa, a long, long way to run"
E) "It is naked/It is insane/It are the words/That make the pain"
F) "She makes me feel so crampled/Like I have eaten mingled glass/She makes me feel so nervous/Like I have sand on my ass"
G) "She is a Quaak, quaak/She is a Quaak, quaak/She is a Quaak, quaak/Wooooooooooow"
H) ‘E', ‘F', & ‘G' [partial credit granted for ‘A']
9) The fact that the Scars' Rude Moon exists on disc is a sure sign that:
A) The Dutch have far too much free time on their hands
B) The Dutch drug laws are far too liberal
C) The Dutch have yet to fully recover from ABBA's 1983 break-up
D) The Dutch are a wonderfully wacky people
E) Revelation is at hand
10) The final word on the Scars' Rude Moon is:
A) It's got a good beat, and you can dance to it
B) Average length; above-average girth
C) The perfect music for soothing the insane
D) Marginally preferable to electroshock; substantially subordinate to drugs and porn
E) ½ star
1 Star: Pitiful
2 Stars: Listenable
3 Stars: Respectable
4 Stars: Excellent
5 Stars: Can't Live Without It!!
Copyright © 2000 The Music Box